The Dreams of My Father Episode 9

I had another dream last night.  I dreamt that my wife was jerking off horses and shooting the sperm at people.  I can’t remember all the details, but the stream of sperm was like a fire house.  There were a lot of veins, but at least the two horsefucking freaks from the post last month weren’t there.

He Man was the Shit

Was He-Man on PEDs? I say no.  There is no way Adam would do that, it was all the power of grayskull.

I’m pissed

very fucking pissed – that SUBWAY stopped offering bell peppers.  I used to order the follwoing on all my sanwhichs: lettuce, tomato, onion, olives and bell peppers.  Now I have to get bell peppers.   its horseshit.  just wanted to get that off my chest.

I Can’t Explain This

I am a f’d up individual, but I can’t wrap my head around this video.  These are the two worst people I have ever seen in my life.

Zardoz

I grew up with a this poster from Zardoz above my bed.  My father was a big Sean Connery fan.

My Fave Five (From 1991)

My true entry into the solo sex scene was in the early 1990’s.  When my prolific career started my fave five was a lot different than it is now.  i thought it’d be interesting to take a look at my fave five to see if they’ve held up.

5. Meredith Salenger- She was in “Dream a Little Dream” with the Coreys and survived.  I almost soiled my jams the first time I saw her:

Meredith has grown up a bit- she is looking like a fine Cougar:

I would give myself a passing grade on that one.  Her career never took, but it looks like she has stayed clear of the two Coreys and the mounds of Yayo they’ve snorted.  I could spank to her now, and I actually think she would date me if I didn’t have a wife and hadn’t slipped three past the babymakerette.

4. Vanessa Williams- Sometimes the snow falls down in June, sometimes the sun goes round the moon.  Just when I thought a chance had passed, you go and save the best for last. 

1990’s Vanessa:

Vaness today:

Argggh.  I don’t know.  I say yes, she held up.  Pretty much, right.  She was hot as fuck in the 1990’s, I’d still be happy with her.  Rick Fox fucked that one up.

3. The Red Chair in my Bedroom-  She was soft, beautiful, and she loved me unconditionally.  Her arms were my comfort, and I conditioned her leather like a true gentleman.

1990′ Chair:

Red Chair Today? (As projected by the same software used by Unsolved Mysteries):

I blew this one.  Red leather chairs don’t live long, and the affair was on a crash course for heartbreak.

2. Aunt Becca (Lori Loughlin)- Have Mercy!  Uncle Jessie used to hold onto her shoulder pads and bang her while she read the weather report. 

Lori today:

Home Run.  No, walk off.  My 1990’s Boner is back with fury.

1. Cindy Crawford: Enough said:

Today:

Still got it. 

Shit if this were my stock portfolio you would be calling me the Oracle of Ass. 

I miss my chair.

The “Fave Five”

Every male on earth has a “List”: A list of the celebrities he would most like to bone.  Like the Constitution, and no less important, the List is a living and breathing document, permitting different women to come and go depending on moods and popularity.  The List may reflect a man’s innermost desires and tastes, but more importantly, it allows men to talk about and look at pictures of extremely hot women.  Based upon the importance of the List in every man’s life, I’ve decided to create a complex algorithm to determine my all-time “A List”.  After a great deal of consideration and several hours in the “lab” “masturbating”, what follows is a list of science approved extraordinarily hot women that constitute my “Fave Five” :

No. 5: Category “Bring the Punk” – Katy Perry

Every guy has that side of him that wants the punky girl.  The girl in class wearing the pigtails and thick rim glasses sucking suggestively on her lollipop.  Everyone knows she does some stuff that those barbie girls haven’t ever even heard of.  That’s my number 5, Katy Perry.  Luckily, this punk star comes with enormous breasts.  Bonus points!

No. 4: Category Exotic – Shakira Shakira

Hips don’t lie.  And when it comes to fulfilling the need for something a tad exotic, Shakira’s hips do the trick.  No woman to ever exist can move like Shakira, and those moves put her in my top five.  The reason she can move like that is because Shakira is a mix of Columbian, Persian, and teardrop of heaven.  The combination is lethal, providing her with amazing curves, curly hair, dark skin, and the ability to give me a boner.

No. 3 – The Athlete Meets Boobs – Jessical Biel

Usually, when a guy is in the mood to fantasize about a chick with that hard abtastic athletic body, he has to trade luscious and ample curves to get the athletic washboard stomach and toned arms (I am looking at you Kate Hudson, Jada Pinkett, and Keira Knightley).  Conversely, when he wants an ample bosom and legitimate pa-donk-a-donk, he’s got to give away the tight little package to get the curves.  Well, on the eighth day, the Lord decided it was ok to give one girl huge tits, an apple ass, rock hard abs, super toned arms, and a pretty face.  Thank you Yahweh for Jessica Biel.

No. 2 – The Classic Beauty – Natalie Portman

My List would not be complete without choosing one lady who is truly a lady.  Plainly stated, Natalie Portman is the most beautiful woman on earth.  Huge eyes, pouty lips, classy elegance, a NYer, Luke Skywalker’s mother, and a perfect tight little body.  No one looks better in an evening gown, or in nothing at all.  There’s something to be said for girls who know how to look amazing without looking slutty, and that gets Natalie Portman the number two spot on my List.  May the Schwartz be with you.

No. 1 – The British Mamvasion – Keeley Hazell

I am pretty sure I don’t need to say anything.  Why we erect statues of politicians and not Keeley Hazell I have no idea.  But in an effort to make it right, I’ve erected something of my own in her honor right here.  Thank you Great Britain.

And with that, there is my Fave Five.  I am interested and curious to know where the tastes of my fellow “decent guys” lie, and invite them to post their own Fave Five.

Go the Yankees!

The Yankees won the world series. Its a game of baseballs!  The winners attempt to make runs around the paths until they get to the home.  Once there, there is celebrations of plenty upon which many mans will jump and hug.  I wish that I were in the pile because it will give the team many pleasures of life.  Once the yankees didn’t win and all the peoples were confused because much of the money-dollars that arespending are gifted to players of valuable worth.  the measure of value is confused because of yankees disableing of measurements standard.  Mr. Steinbrennare used to think that people should “PLAY TO WIN!” Now there is an equal void of winners that produced the current states.  All in all the Yankees have particpated to a maximum amounts that produced many wins and many costs.  The baseballs fans say “YES!” when the players run in circle because of their many of patterns of skillfullness.  The regular fans will always eat two meals before matches because of the religion.  Do not question their commentary on the baseball because they know of their many verbal thoughts.  When I think back upon my fond year of baeball fan I will think of the Yankees and baseball!  IT is alright with my books my friends!

Dreams of My Father: Episodes 7 and 8

Last night I had two dreams.  One was on the sofa, and the second was in my bed after I washed up and went back to sleep.  Each was a tour de force.

PART ONE: In my first dream, I dreamt I was asleep on the sofa when all of a sudden a man broke into the house.  For some reason, I was defenseless and he was beating the shit out of me.  I looked up on the table and saw a phone that had enormous numbers.  I could see the 9-1-1, but I could not reach the numbers. 

Then, as if I was given the strength of a thousand men, I started to beat the shit out of the robber, got him on the floor and then dialed 9-1-1.  As a waited for the cops to come, I stepped on the robber so he wouldn’t move.  I heard the police outside, and as I heard them approach, I looked down and the robber had shrunk into the size of a hotdog.  In fact, he looked like a hotdog and I stepped on him so hard that his head popped off.  I woke up and Paul Blart Mall Cop was on the TV.  I don’t normally like firebushes, but the chick in the movie is kind of cute. 

PART TWO: After I washed up and fell back asleep, I dreamt I was in London with the Patriots.  But the place we were staying seemed eerily similar to a Lodge I spent time in during a recent stay in the Poconos mountains.  I was hanging out with the Patriots having fun, when all of the sudden I saw Anna Paquin (a.k.a. Soooookie).  The line between Sookie and Anna was very grey, as I am not sure which version I was talking to. 

I decided it would be a good idea to make Sookie laugh so I saw a couple of the vampire characters across the room (Eric and Vampire Bill) and I made jokes about how they talk in the show.  I think I may have even said “Sookie, you have no idea what I had to do to get to you.”  Anyway, Sookie asks me to go up tot he bedroom and I am not sure what happened, but I looked down and she was gone and my pants were down by my ankles.  I am pretty sure she touched my penis.  I woke up right after.

Dreams of My Father: Episode 6

Last night I had my second dream of the week.  This one was a little more in line with the previous dreams.

Last night I had a wonderful dream.  The dream started out a strip club.  It was a smaller strip club with two or three poles and some uninterested girls dancing. As I looked up to the stage, I had a feeling something was wrong.  Low and behold, when I looked to the left of me, the babymakerette and my three boys were sitting next to me.  This kind of blew my mind, so I decided to go to the bathroom.

When I got into the bathroom, there was a frat-boy looking kid in there drunk as al hell, puking all over himself.  But the puke was not your run of the mill vomit; it looked like he was coughing up flies like big ole Jon Coffey did in the Green Mile.  I knew this kid was effed, and then all of a sudden the babymakerette (a nurse) showed up to save the day.  She put a feeding tube in his nose and it made him much better.  I am not doctor, but my guess is a feeding tube through the nose isn’t a life saving technique.  Before I could see anything more I woke up.